With the full moon Tuesday I turned a new page in my spiritual journey. As with everything profound that happens, I try to better myself, grow, and thrive. I've decided that is my purpose.
My mother is in a situation that is difficult for any woman to face. Her mate, the one she chose for his strength and protection, had a series of strokes that has left him in need of a constant caregiver. I believe my mother wouldn't have blinked an eye except recently her mother passed after years of having to be her constant caregiver as well. And then of course, I decided to rejoin the living and the only place I had to go was home. And while I need no constant care, she is my mother and her job is to worry about me. So her house is in the least disrupted. So is her balance.
And I, being her daughter, have started to take on that imbalance. But with the full moon this year also came changes beyond my control. When the chaos began to peak just days before that moon glowed above me, my ex-husband, who knows me better than myself, offered me this bit of advice: breathe in the positive through your nose, breathe out the negative through your mouth & stop blaming others and only worry about what you control. And he is correct. I knew it instantly when I read his text.
So the very next day I took a long look at the chaos around me. No it was not mine but there I stood right in the middle of it. No more. So I dipped out on the chaos and returned back to where I did have a little control over what was going on.
But my mother is struggling with the same lesson from the upcoming moon. So what could I control without taking from her control? Where I lived. I began cleaning out my camper with hopes of having it cleaned up soon. Me out of her house might help us both.
But then the man I've been seeing, announced in his world that he and I were in fact a couple, thus losing his place to live and most of his belongings. My parents rules are no he can't stay there, even in my camper, Once again, for the third time in my life, I've found myself homeless because while I could stay at my mother's, I could not and still say that I am who I am and not changed into something colder, leave the man that chose me out on the street alone. So this time, I am homeless by choice.
And then here comes the moon. I don't normally pray a lot. When I do, it's over important shit. I prayed that night under that moon. I prayed hard to God. What I didn't do is pray for me to receive a home, or food, or a solution to my living arrangements. Instead, I prayed for His white light of love to fill me so I could send it to my parents, specifically my mother. I asked him to fill me up so that I might give to her some peace and happiness even if only that night while she slept.
And He gave it to me, only because I asked. And I gave it to her, because I knew she wouldn't ask.
Funny thing is, under that moon, God worked on me too. That advice from my ex, my struggle to hold on to who I am despite that darkness in the world, it all came together inside my heart. What I can control in this world is me. Only me. I have no control over anything else. My intentions of good can be received or rejected but that is on the intended, not me. I control me.
It is up to me to ask for help when I need it. It is up to me how I respond to those in my life. It is up to me how to allow those around me treat me, and when they don't appropriately if I keep them in my life. I've been weeding those negatives out left and right.
A friend of mine, Troy, told me a while ago, don't keep a circle of friends, keep a triangle and keep it small. He was right. I was calling people friends because they'd been good to me once when it suited their needs but who could not be counted on in MY time of need.
That big beautiful moon glowed across my life and the shadows of friends that were cast, were not as many as I had thought I had...but they were worth more than any of the ones that hid. And that moons light also revealed an end to my blame game. Yes, others helped me stray from my path. But I found my way back to it and I refuse to continue to punish myself for my straying, struggle, and survival. It is what it is. If others can't accept it, it's on them.
I know who I am, I like who I am. I accept the peace that comes with that.
The moon shines bright because it is a moon, it reflects the light from that which it is attached. It doesn't feel bad if its cloudy. It doesn't make up for those clouds. It just shines. Sometimes those who look at it receive clarity in their lives, sometimes they are struck with a little moon madness. It has the power to move the tide but when the sun rises, it moves on until it has the position of power again.
Since that full moon, I have been trying to keep the moon's serenity in my heart. I keep positive moonlight. It evokes madness in some, but in others it chills them out a bit and gives them a little peace I think.
With all this inward reflection, I've realized a lot about myself...not where I am going to live, but how. That means drawing a line with how I'm treated with others and removing myself from situations and people that prove less than friend worthy.
So Next month...don't look directly into the moon unless you want to see clearly the truth about you and the world around you because the moon does not feel bad about telling you about yourself.