After Moon Delight

I have discovered that no matter what happens in life, I will survive. In the last month I’ve received much clarity, discovered my purpose, and realized that I don’t truly need anyone but my God and my own strength of will to survive.

I’m doing the best I can. Those that watch with critical eye expect and actually want me to hit bottom. I’ve already hit bottom and when I did, none of them were there to help me up. I was kept away from those that I loved with no phone, no ride, no money and dope held over my head. The man I was with was beating the fuck out of me regularly. My bottom was the day he threw old chicken water on me when I was already down. He stood over me screaming at me because I would not give up control to him. I packed up my belonging and the dog when he took me with him on a trip because he feared I would leave him and I begged a man to allow me to stay with him rather than leave with the one who kept me after being turned away by my own family when I asked for help.

A year later I found myself being beat down by another man because I wouldn’t love him the way he wanted. With help from those that did not give up on me, I got away from that situation as well. That was my bottom. I’m climbing back up from that.

But those that claim they love me, whisper and gossip, surmise and assume. They don’t ask about what happened to me. They just assume I was out partying for four years and that because I come back without my soul broken that I’ve not seen the bottom. My soul cannot be broken. But because I am not mangled in their eyes, I’ve not suffered enough. What they fail to realize is that I am the same strong woman I was before all this mess began. My soul is too strong to be brought down by anything in this world. I rebuke their want for me to be weakened. I forgive them for their ignorance but I will never forget that it was they, in my time of need, who were weakened and mangled.

I am stronger now than I’ve ever been. I have learned that there are people in the world that do not look for me to get stuck down in the muck and who will offer a hand to assist me so that I do not. They do not carry me, they believe in me. They know my heart is pure, that my soul is clean. They understand that my weaknesses are a constant battle that I am winning against.

They do not tear me down. They do not put me down. They do not criticize me because they already know how critical my own eye of my life is. They do not abandon me in my time of need. They accept me as the good person I am and always have been. They lift me up in spirit and cheer for me as I triumph because they saw in me my ability to succeed despite those that would want me to go through worse than I already have.

They do not expect me to do as they say I should do because I have managed to overcome my demons in my own way. Yes, I will do as I want instead of what others want because those others were not there when I needed them. I do not trust their souls to judge mine because they refused me when I did seek help. I do not want their conditioned love for I never conditioned mine for them. I do not want their sympathy, their understanding, or their advice for how to live my life for they had none when I was as my bottom. And I will not fall to the bottom they wait for because they do not know me nor the bottom I’ve already pulled myself from and have no desire to see the truth of my life. They are shallow and miserable in their own lives with nothing better to do with their energy than to plot the demise of my spirit. Well, my spirit knows no death. It knows only survival and moving forward. If that means leaving them behind so that I do not fall, so be it.

I am NOT the same person I used to be. I am better. I am wiser. I am stronger. Anyone who does not accept that has no place in my life.

The delight in this clarity is that I have more focus. Two full moons mark a turning point in my growth, The big super wolf moon at the beginning of the year and the one this month. This month records a change in myself. I've spent my life jumping up and down and screaming at these people who wrongly judge me, desperate to have them see what I know. And why? My ex has long told me that I need to stop worrying about their unrelenting critique and just live my life. At long last, I got it.

I no longer care what those that would judge me think of me because they are going to judge and judge me wrongly no matter what I do or say. They always have. They always will. Today I step out of the craziness of trying to convince them of my soul, of the progress in my life and spirit. I know the truth. God knows the truth. And those who truly love me rather than themselves and their own hot air, know the truth. And that is a delight in my life that I embrace now.

I am grateful for the June Moon under which I prayed to god this month. I am grateful to God for giving me what I asked for as a sign that He had not forgotten me ( I do need his reassurance once in awhile), and I am grateful to my tribe sister, Tyna Sue, and her crew and to my spiritual companion, Vadonia, and her crew as well for not giving up on or doubting me and my progress.

They've proven time and again that they accept me, support me and my progress on my path, and that they do not abandon when life throws curve balls. (I'm a curve ball magnet). That is the delight in my life. I am grateful.