I wake up today grateful for my mother's love and understanding.
My grandmother passed away Friday. Yes, we knew it was coming but one can never be prepared for the death of a loved one or the struggle we face in living without them. That day I was consumed with grief but tried to not break down and be strong for my mother while she struggled with losing hers. That night my sisters came over and gathered without me in my mom's room to reminisce through pictures and grieve together. I was left in my room to deal with my grief alone. So I accepted the invitation offered by my friend, Jordan, to go to her uncle's house in Vicksburg.
I had every intention of coming home for the funeral on Monday but as the end of the weekend neared, my anxiety of seeing my grandmother's skeletal corpse in a coffin became pure panic. When my uncle died I'd gone to the services but the tension of my being there unwelcomed by my family was so thick that it took away from what was supposed to be a moment to honor my uncle. So I checked in with my mom and with her acceptance I opted out from going to my grandmother's funeral. I don't leave unfinished business with those around me. I don't have regrets of not saying I love you enough or wish I'd done more to show I love them because I go out of my way so much to let people know i love them while they are here, Anyway, instead, Danny took me fishing at the lake where Jordan lives and that was good for me. I remembered how my grandparents loved ot go fishing and I caught the only three fish caught that day. That was good. It was a good way for me to honor them in a more personal way.
I spent a few more days at Jordan's to do a little soul searching and evaluation of where I am in my life and where I'm going. That's one of the beautiful things about Jordan and why I love her so much...she is my fightsong...she makes me feel young and full of hope for the world no matter how bad things get.
For me things have gotten pretty bad. I've been through a lot of crap in the last two weeks...on top of everything else I'm facing including having received indictment papers for a burglary I did not commit and the prison time that I face if I can't prove I'm innocent, the betrayal of someone I thought was a good friend, and the need to start earning some cash so that I'm not living off of my mother for the rest of my life, not to mention my family being more judgmental than supportive of my starting my life over, a msg from a family member calling me selfish for not coming to the funeral, and a boyfriend that continues to take me for granted and blames me for every fucked up thing going on in his life and who never has time for me but has time for every damn thing else in the world (but I'm not bitter or resentful or anything lol). So I contemplated and self discovered a few things which resulted in art projects and poetry...how I work through my life. My friend Ty came and got me day before yesterday and brought me home to my mother's while I cried the entire ride. Crying because I knew I'd put off things for as long as I could that I knew must be done. (Thank you Ty for the quiet understanding...I love you dearly)
My grandmother and grandfather were together since my grandmother was 13. They were the heads of my family and without them I am afraid for what will happen to us. When my grandfather died, the family already started to split. Now there is another crack and cracks appearing throughout a structure that should have remained solid.
The last ten years of my life are a direct result of my own unraveling from the death of my grandfather. I ran away when my father had strokes that affected him...ran like I was running for my life...as if death wouldn't strike if I didn't see it. What I normally wouldn't have put up with from a man, I started looking over and dismissing, instead of putting my foot in his ass like I should have. It was hard for me to let go and live my life. And because of that I sank down into depression with no sight of how to climb out. I did drugs to push the darkness back just enough to see one step in front of me. I drank to get away from life all together. I thought for certain I would never love again...but of course there was that never word again and I did. Habits are hard to break no matter how dysfunctional they are. Now my grandmother is gone and the other day I finally opened my eyes...as if I had just decided to go to sleep until the two of them could be together again. I opened my eyes and looked around at this mess that is what happened while I was sleeping.
So now I'm awake. What did I learn?
1. Everyone is not good inside. I used to think they were. And I still believe most people are. But the truth is that life is hard and while we were all good when we were born, the negativity in the world will try to ruin as much of that goodness as possible. But it will not ruin me because of the following 4 lessons:
2. Those that truly love me, know me and need no explanation for my actions. I've done no wrong against anyone but myself in my hibernation period and have only struggled to survive. I will not blame anyone else for my choices just because I was ill prepared to know how to deal with everything I've had to deal with alone. But I refuse to accept blame of other's feelings about how I've survived and if I have to earn back someone's love then I never had it to begin with.
3. There is no mess I can't clean up. It may take a minute because it's been piling up for ten years, but it can be cleaned up.
4. I am not the victim of karma. It's not payback. I didn't deserve what I got. It's just life. Life gets shitty sometimes because of shitty circumstances and yes shitty people (see lesson 1).
5. On the same note, do not come at me sideways with that God will not put more than you can carry on you bullshit. No he wouldn't, but the devil will. And he has and continues to do.
Now what? Now I go to court and try to prove I'm innocent of burglary, try to forgive my uncle for not knowing me well enough to know I did not burglarize anyone, and start picking up the pieces of my life. I'll thank those that have nothing better to do than to sit around and make assumptions and judgments about me to shut the fuck up and fix their own miserable existences and keep their two cents worth to themselves...maybe they can save up and buy themselves some of their very own business to mind.
— in Jackson, Mississippi.